Published: Thursday, June 10, 2010, 12:00 AM Updated: Friday, June 04, 2010, 12:06 PM
WAYNE DAVID SCHMOYER
Title: Licensed psychologist, clinical director
Company: Riverside Associates, P.C.
Years in Field: 20
Q: What is self-esteem? And why is it important?
A: Self-esteem is another way of describing a child’s understanding of his or her “value” as a person and is related to a child’s self-perceptions, which include children’s beliefs about their abilities (e.g., “What kinds of things can I do well?”) and their personal characteristics (e.g., “Am I a good or bad person?” “Do others like me?” “Am I pretty or ugly?”). We often talk about having either “high” or “low” self-esteem, and in that sense “high” self-esteem refers to having a positive self-concept.
A child’s self-concept is influenced by his or her life experiences and emerging self-perceptions. A child’s many self-perceptions gradually become integrated into a “whole” self-description. Therefore, it is important for children to develop positive self-perceptions so that their “self-esteem” can adequately develop. Having self-esteem is important because it guides a child’s choice of behaviors, their motivation to achieve, their willingness to interact socially and the development of a generally positive feeling about themselves as a person.
Q: What are signs of healthy and unhealthy self-esteem?
A: Self-esteem begins forming very early in childhood and becomes increasingly more stable from middle childhood through adolescence (and even into adulthood). Research informs us that children who have developed positive self-perceptions in elementary school often continue to view themselves that way in later years.
Signs of a positive self-concept can be observed in children who express pride in some skill they have mastered (e.g., in a sport or hobby; in completion of household or academic tasks) and in persistence when confronted by difficulties in learning a new skill. A child who explains his or her successes as being the result of “luck,” or due to someone else’s contribution instead of the result of his or her actions, might be experiencing self-doubt.
Q: What can parents do to build, improve or protect a child’s self-esteem?
A: There are many things parents can do to help their child. Children need to learn how to focus on their positive attributes and not to focus too much on aspects of themselves that they perceive as negative.
Certainly, children need to know they are loved and appreciated by their parents just because they are their child. But parents should also encourage their children to pay less attention to details of their physical appearance and more to the developing skills that they are working on.
Parents can also help children improve their ability to solve problems (which can help to boost their self-esteem) by talking frequently about things they are struggling with (e.g., mastering daily living skills; managing relationships) and showing them what they can do to make progress.
Parents should take steps to recognize their child for his or her unique skills at home or for achievements in school or athletic activities. Parents should also express how much they value a child’s efforts to do things independently. Children need to develop a personal understanding that they know how to do things on their own and to feel confident about their abilities.
Children need to take on some responsibility for specific tasks at home. Even if some coaching or assistance is needed at first, it is important to recognize a child when he or she has taken responsibility for a household chore or other task and has worked to complete it. Ultimately, the goal is to help the child develop a strong sense that effort is worthwhile, that working through learning a new skill or refining an existing skill is enjoyable, and that his or her accomplishment is valued by others.
The focus should be on helping the child develop personal satisfaction from work, not on tangible rewards. For example, a child might spontaneously take on a household task because he or she enjoys doing it, such as making a snack, caring for a pet or washing the family car, and because he or she likes the fact that parents take notice. No specific “pay off” is needed — the child feels rewarded merely because he or she has come to enjoy completing the task, and because he or she feels competent with it.
Q: What things can damage a child’s self-esteem?
A: Children compare themselves to other children and may begin to view even small failures as confirming that they are “incapable” and “not as good” as others. Children who focus too much on their physical appearance or who focus more on what others can do, not on their own achievements, may be struggling to develop a positive self-concept. Being made fun of; being bullied by peers; excessive commentary from others about their limitations and failures; being punished for not completing tasks that are beyond their ability level; or a lack of positive experiences in which they feel cared for and in which their abilities are recognized contribute to a child developing low self-esteem.
Failure experiences can be either helpful or harmful to a child’s self esteem. It is important to avoid expecting a child to work at something that is too challenging for them, especially for young children because this could overwhelm them and discourage them from making an effort. On the other hand, a child who can work through a failure experience (often with the guidance of a parent or teacher) can develop a stronger expectation that effort does lead to success for that task or social situation.
Q: Does a child with low self-esteem need to see a therapist? How do parents know?
A: Children develop their self-concept through their experiences in all areas of their lives; therapy by itself cannot guarantee the development of a positive self-concept because this work takes place at home, in school and during the many interactions children have with peers and the adults in their lives.
Parents should keep communication lines with their children open, be supportive and help them to access opportunities to develop their many skills. But the decision to seek therapy for a child should be made when problems arise that clearly indicate a dramatic (and worrisome) change in a child’s behavior, such as a child repeatedly avoiding contact with others, developing a persistently irritable mood, or if the child displays increasingly disruptive conduct at home or in school. School avoidance, dramatically declining academic performance, engaging in risky behaviors and loss of interest in activities that they usually enjoy could also indicate the start of problems for which therapy could be helpful.
Parents should first attempt to discuss emerging concerns with their child and try to learn if there is some problem, at home or in school, with their friends or in their other relationships, and then consider seeking therapeutic intervention if these problems cannot be understood and resolved.
Interview conducted via e-mail by The Patriot-News staff. Responses were edited for length.
From pennlive.com published on Thursday, June 10, 2010, 12:00 AM