By Sarì Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D.
From The 7 Stages of Marriage
Searching for Meaning
Reinventing your life and your marriage means looking beyond leisure and searching for meaning. In his study of retirement-age men, George Vaillant, M.D. -- a Harvard Medical School psychiatrist and author of Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life -- found that the happiest had ready answers when asked what gave their lives meaning and purpose. They watched their grandchildren. Played the piano. Volunteered or pursued a creative project. Men who said their retirement years were satisfying were up to three times more likely than unsatisfied guys to report enjoying their relationships, doing volunteer work, and having hobbies or other interests. In contrast, the least happy said nothing gave their lives purpose -- or they tended to spend their time in passive pursuits such as watching TV.
Now is the time to pursue everything your heart desires. Happy people make happy marriages!
Look for new meaning in your marriage. Now's the time to reconsider what you want from your marriage -- and what you've always wanted to give your spouse as a marriage partner. More joy? More affection? More laughter? More moments shared in special activities you both enjoy, whether it's walking in the woods, reading out loud together, touring distant lands, or simply feeling a deep, peaceful connection? Talk together about these marriage dreams and about small steps you can take to make them happen.
Step into a new role in your family. By the time you reach the Completion stage, your kids are too old for unsolicited advice. "One of the powerful things about moving up the ladder of life is making the transition in families from parent to peer," says Stephen Treat, D.Min., an instructor in psychiatry and human behavior at Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia. "When parents don't make that transition, they still try to parent grown kids and alienate them. No adult needs unsolicited advice about running their own life, especially from a parent. That approach backfires. It pushes kids away from you. But instead, if you figure out how to become peers, you can develop a whole new friendship and a new, close connection."
Moving from parent to peer means opening up and being vulnerable. You're not all-powerful Mom or Dad. You're a fellow human being experiencing pleasures and annoyances, ups and downs, every day. Chat. Share your experiences. Ask about theirs. Laugh. Ask for advice as you would with a friend. (Don't be afraid that you'll seem dependent. Your kids will be thrilled.) "Opening up this way creates real family unity," Dr. Treat says.
Remember Who You Are
Look up old friends.One of life's greatest satisfactions is a circle of close friends -- something many of us find and cultivate on the job. What now? Reconnect with old friends you've lost touch with over the years. You have a shared past and shared affection. "When we're old, our lives become the sum of all whom we have loved," Dr. Vaillant says. "It is important not to waste anyone. The task of living out the last half of life is excavating and recovering all of those whom we loved in the first half." The benefit for your marriage? A happier you, a more fulfilling social life, and less pressure on your mate to be your 24/7 playmate.
Keep your hand in at work. Many retirees maintain relationships with their former employers by working as consultants. Others find part-time jobs in related fields, or take low-stress part-time positions to earn extra cash and to maintain working lives. Still others step up to the challenge of starting home-based businesses. Forty-four percent of retired women and men interviewed for the Cornell Retirement and Well-Being Study reported that they worked for pay at some point after retiring. As more baby boomers get their gold watches, expect the number of still-working retirees to rise -- both as a pragmatic hedge against fears about the future of Social Security and company-backed pensions and as a way to keep doing what they've always done.
If you loved your job, continuing to work may give your self-esteem and your marriage a boost, says California psychologist Betty Polston, Ph.D., author of Loving Midlife Marriage. "Anything that replenishes a healthy sense of self will also make your marriage happier," she says.
Give back to your community. Join the school board, the town council, the planning board, or the library board. If you're a longtime member of a civic organization -- from the Rotary to the Girl Scouts -- step into a leadership role or spearhead a special project that's always been close to your heart. You've got the time, the wisdom, and the expertise -- now use them. One husband interviewed for this book got elected to the local school board soon after the youngest of his four children left home. His wife has worked on presidential campaigns in several states. "We have discretionary time, and we want to put it to good use, doing things we believe in," he notes.
Consider volunteer work. When University of Wisconsin researchers looked into how volunteering affected the self-esteem of 373 retired women and men ages 65 to 74, they made an encouraging discovery: Giving of yourself can fill the gaps left in your life -- and in your identity -- when your role as a worker or active parent ends. Volunteering restored a sense of purpose and joy and helped retirees sidestep the unsettling feeling that they'd lost a big piece of their identity when they left the workforce.
Hollie and Janell Atkinson have taken this route, tutoring Spanish-speaking teens in conversational English. "We work with 14- and 15-year-olds who will need better English at school and in the work world," Janell notes. "It's fun, and we feel we're giving back this way."
The benefits go beyond feeling good. A recent survey of 600 older Americans found that volunteering gave them a chance to feel valued, to make a difference in the world, to use their wisdom for a good cause. Volunteers felt physically active and intellectually stimulated. Meanwhile, a University of Michigan study of 884 older women and men suggests volunteering may help you live longer too. The key: feeling you can still make a contribution to the world around you.
And yet, fewer than one-third of retired people do volunteer work. Time to change that for the better! Don't be shy about shopping around for a volunteer activity that you'll enjoy. You'll stick with it longer, get more out of the experience -- and probably bring more to it -- if you like the cause. If you'd rather walk dogs at the animal shelter than wash dishes at the soup kitchen, don't feel guilty. Follow your natural inclination.
Deepen your spiritual life. "When I retired, I knew I was going to do something about my wayward spirituality," noted a retired Harvard University financial aid officer in a recent issue of Harvard Magazine. She's always done yoga and meditated but has since joined a church as well. Studies suggest that people who have ongoing religious lives or private spiritual practices feel greater well-being, have less depression, and lead fuller and happier lives.
From The 7 Stages of Marriage
From Readers Digest published on Tuesday, Feb. 16, 2010