January 13, 2012
Personal Matters
Susan Britt
Putting aside the things of childhood does not necessarily mean you can put your childhood behind you.
While childhood's playthings drift away to younger relatives or yard sales, the emotional experiences of childhood, both positive and nurturing and negative and damaging, greatly affect your adult behavior.
The theory that childhood experience shapes the adult personality has long been considered a cornerstone of psychology. Now, in great measure because this issue has been explored in countless television shows, movies and print articles, more lay people understand that there is a connection between the traumatized, abused child of the past and the disturbed adult of the present.
However, what is not as widely understood as another form of abuse is the deep emotional injury caused by emotional neglect. Because neglect is not as obvious or tangible as verbal, physical or sexual abuse, many adults, having little understanding of what constitutes proper emotional care, are unable to identify that they received little or no emotional nurturing from their parents.
It is difficult to recognize the absence of something never experienced, especially if the parents provided well the basics of food, clothing, shelter, an atmosphere of physical safety and security, and the presence of extended family members.
It is hard to sort through what may, on the surface, appear as a healthy family life in order to see that parents had never expressed love with verbal and physical affection or made children feel valued as individuals.
For many adults not only did there exist an absence of support, they were often made to feel devalued and unloved if verbally chastised when they dared express their emotional needs or their individuality.
If you realize that you were emotionally deprived as a child, you may also begin to recognize that, as an adult, you unconsciously attach yourself to people and situations that replicate the familiar but unhealthy relationship you experienced with your parents.
You may seek out partners who do not express love or emotional support and do not value you as the unique individual you are. You may not pursue the education or career of your dreams. You may turn to any number of addictive behaviors: drinking, smoking, over- or under-eating, shopping.
Overall, you may not create the most productive and healthy life for yourself because you were never made to feel valued, lovable, capable or special — essential self-esteem elements required to produce a healthy human being.
In order to overcome the negative effects of childhood emotional neglect you need to acknowledge that it existed even if you now have a positive relationship with your parents.
The personal discovery and healing process is not about blaming your parents or yourself. It is about recognizing the source, accepting that your parents most likely did not experience ideal parenting either, and, like most of us humans, did the best they were able with the emotional health, skills and knowledge they had at the time.
The next step in the healing, growing and learning process is to develop the skills to parent yourself using positive, loving, encouraging self-talk and self-praise to build an emotional foundation of self-nurturing and self-esteem. Then, add people to your life who are able to celebrate and reflect back to you your lovable, capable self.
To accelerate the growing process you may want to consult a professional to help guide you. Also, explore the massive amount of information available on the topic of building self-esteem.
You may not be able to relive your childhood, but in time and with loving care and commitment you absolutely can create a happier, more fulfilling life for yourself.
Based in Rockport, life and relationship coach Susan Britt, M.Ed., teaches individuals, couples and families to resolve relationship conflict, identify and achieve life and career goals, and accelerate personal growth. Questions and comments may be directed to her at susanbritt1@verizon.net.
Article from The Gloucester Times