19 February 2012 | last updated at 09:49pm
By Tessie Lim
Article from News Starit Times
“I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadow. If I fail, if I succeed, at least I’ll live as I believe. No matter what they take from me, they can’t take away my dignity. Because the greatest love of all is happening to me. I found the greatest love of all — inside of me.” — Whitney Houston
GREAT artistes are legendary for their contributions to the community. It isn’t what they have, but what they do and become with their extraordinary talent, that inspires us. What animates us is when they heroically raise the bar in their genre.
Then their performance seems surreal and effortless as if enveloped by some external grace and mysterious brilliance. Watching them, time stands still. There’s an inner silence... as we hold our breath in awe.
Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley — what do you think their legacy is? The question isn’t how they died, but what made them let go like that? Fans assumed that they were addicted to drink or drugs. By themselves these substances don’t really create a “high” at all. Their actual effect is to suppress or numb our inhibitions — fear, guilt, shame, anger — thereby allowing the user to experience “trance” (transform, transmute, transcend), or higher states of consciousness.
Rarely does the average person get to experience love without fear, pure joy or ecstasy. Our negative self-image blots out the brilliance that is the true essence of our identities.
Sadly, the truth of who we are mostly goes unrecognised. Pleasure, rapture, elation, peace — in unadulterated proportions is so potent that once experienced, is never forgotten and is sought after. I believe it’s to this experience of “heaven” that people become addicted.
Are people who feel unhappy or unsuccessful, wrong or broken? The origin of suffering arises from ego - people’s belief that we are our image and personalities. The antidote is self-awareness. Truth is unveiled when we see that one has that, instead of is that.
Through coaching we can work to separate the “I am,” from “that is my experience of”. Through coaching we are able to find out how people work their beliefs, values, and interests. Then we can help them change those mental processes into more useful and desirable ones.
“For my career to get on track, I need to feel more secure in myself. I need to feel more confident in my own ideas and how I present them and confident in how I handle people at work who disagree with my ideas. For me, security is having that self-esteem,” said Amy.
Then suddenly, her voice fell into a whisper and she looked down. “Deep down I’ve always felt unlovable... because I’m not really good enough. I’m afraid I’ll be found out. I’m a fraud.”
The first step was for her to notice how she was a fraud. Amy said it was a high level of anxiety, sometimes almost explosive. Next I made her think of a belief she already had that was positive and empowering. She said: “I am willing to learn.”
The final part of the process — think of a new belief she’d like to take on board. She said: “I can feel confident in and be respected for, my competency.”
For a few moments, she processed this in silence, with her eyes closed and her head down. Then slowly, she opened her eyes and lifted her head. “OMG. I do feel confident about my competency. And now as I think about the word fraud, it doesn’t feel as intense as before.”
Confidence comes from noticing and acknowledging the skills and competencies you already have.
Confidence refers to feelings of ability, experience, and pride that we can do certain things. When people talk about poor self-esteem, they say things like, “I’m not worthy”. They use words like “insecure.”
Self-esteem is how we describe ourselves in terms of the level of our motivation and meanings we give to things. And because the idea of who we are is so distorted by our fears, outdated beliefs and crippling self-talk, most of us test “low” on the self-value scale.
Consciousness is the cure. All that injures loses its capacity to harm, dilute, or reduce, when brought into the light. After self-awareness comes self-acceptance. When we realise that all our fears are based on false contexts, we’ll see that all judgment is actually self-judgment. Healing calls for self-forgiveness. There are definite ways to build self-esteem.
Next week: More about raising consciousness, building courage, and experiencing personal power.
This thing called freedom
Courage, confidence, and freedom... I understand courage and confidence. How do you define freedom?
Tessie: I suppose the best way to define freedom is to start by asking: Freedom from what? Freedom to do what?
The opposite of freedom is restriction, isn’t it? So we want freedom to get unstuck, to unleash potential, to move forward, to move up and over... obstacles. We want to be free to make our own choices - free will and choice is a basic human right after all.
Conditioned, repetitive patterns of response
Creativity, Inspiration Enlightenment
See my scale for freedom. There is little freedom when we demonstrate repetitive patterns. It clearly shows conditioning to stay safe. As creativity and inspiration increases, we gain enough momentum to move past old boundaries and benchmarks to move towards breakthrough.
It suggests that trying options vs. sticking to procedures, spontaneity, playing, freshness, and chaos, are elements of freedom. Spoken like so, does freedom hold value for you?
So how do we experience “free will?” I’d begin with massive doses of self-reflection to know what really I want. I’d weigh my choices and practise risk-management, hedging all my bets! Then I’d apply dollops of wisdom and understanding, by changing my meanings about things until I discover what works best for me. Following which I’d apply myself in service to my purpose.
How much restriction do you think I’d encounter with this process in place?
Too macho for romance
What’s stopping my husband from showing me love? Is it not macho for a man to romance his wife?
Tessie: He says he doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day. I feel I’m missing out on something special.
You’re insisting that your (resisting!) husband should demonstrate his love by romancing his wife on Valentine’s Day. Romancing in the usual sense of bringing her flowers and chocolate, I assume?
Some people say that Valentine’s is nothing more than a commercial ritual. Ironic that so little “heart” goes into it. Isn’t it women’s fault that Valentine’s Day has become about proving love... by spending money? No wonder men resist.
But I totally understand what you’re saying. All girls want the same thing - we want to be adored as if we are the most important thing in the world to our man. Yes. But that’s about us. Boys are different. They need to feel in charge and any time when we tell them (nag) what we want, they’ll shut off!
A clever girl will show her man what to do for her by how much praise he gets when he does those things. Extra when he gets them right! Little cute rewards, just the way he likes his sweet (nothings) will do the trick. Over time, watch your love rituals accumulate!
Certainty doesn’t exist in this world. The more you push for commitment or get clingy is exactly when your guy will bolt! What’s stopping him from showing his love? The most obvious answer is that if they suspect they have something to lose. So work smart. Demonstrate all the ways he gets to gain by saying “I love you”.