Article From Psych Central
Have you wondered
about what self-esteem is and how to get more of it? Do you think your
self-esteem is low? Do you know how to tell? Do you know what to do about it?
Self-esteem answers
the question, “How do I feel about who I am?” We learn self-esteem in our
family of origin; we do not inherit it.
Global self-esteem
(about “who we are”) is normally constant. Situational self-esteem (about what
we do) fluctuates, depending on circumstances, roles, and events. Situational
self-esteem can be high at one moment (e.g., at work) and low the next (e.g.,
at home).
Low self-esteem is a
negative evaluation of oneself. This type of evaluation usually occurs when
some circumstance we encounter in our life touches on our sensitivities. We
personalize the incident and experience physical, emotional, and cognitive
arousal. This is so alarming and confusing that we respond by acting in a
self-defeating or self-destructive manner. When that happens, our actions tend
to be automatic and impulse-driven; we feel upset or emotionally blocked; our
thinking narrows; our self-care deteriorates; we lose our sense of self; we
focus on being in control and become self-absorbed.
Global self-esteem is
not set in stone. Raising it is possible, but not easy. Global self-esteem
grows as we face our fears and learn from our experiences. Some of this work
may require the aid of a psychotherapist. In the meantime, here is what you can
do:
- Get
sober. Get
help through 12-step groups to stop self-destructive behaviors. Addictions
block learning and drag down our mood. Identify them and replace them with
self-care.
- Practice
self-care. Make
new lifestyle choices by joining self-help groups and practicing positive
health care.
- Identify
triggers to low self-esteem. We
personalize stressful events (e.g., criticism) by inferring a negative
meaning about ourselves. A self-defeating action often follows. Each event
can, instead, be a chance to learn about ourselves, if we face our fear of
doing so and the negative beliefs about ourselves that sustain the
negative meanings.
- Slow
down personalizing. Target
personalizing to slow impulsive responses. You can begin to interfere with
these automatic overreactions by using relaxation and stress management
techniques. These techniques are directed at self-soothing the arousal.
This allows us to interrupt the otherwise inevitable automatic reaction
and put into play a way to begin to face the unacknowledged fears at the root
of low self-esteem.
- Stop
and take notice. Pay
attention to the familiarity of the impulse. Our tendency is to overreact
in the same way to the same incident. Awareness of the similarity can be
the cue to slow our reactivity.
- Acknowledge
reaction. Verbalize,
“Here I go again (describe action, feeling, thought) . . . ” Actively do
something with the awareness rather than passively note it. The result is
to slow the impulse and give ourselves a choice about how we want to
respond.
- Choose
response. Hold
self-defeating impulses. Act in a self-caring and effective way. By
choosing to act in a more functional way, we take a step toward facing our
fears.
- Accept
impulse. Be
able to state the benefit (e.g., protection) of overreaction. We won’t be
able to do this at first, but as we become more effective, we will begin
to appreciate what our self-defeating impulse had been doing for us.
- Develop
skills. We
can provide for our own safety, engender hope, tolerate confusion, and
raise self-esteem by learning and using these essential life skills:
- Experience feelings. “Feel”
feelings in your body and identify your needs. When we do not respect our
feelings, we are left to rely on what others want and believe.
- Optional thinking. End
either/or thinking. Think in “shades of gray” and learn to reframe
meanings. By giving ourselves options, we open ourselves to new
possibilities about how to think about our dilemmas.
- Detachment. End
all abuse; say “no” to misrepresentations and assumptions. By maintaining
personal boundaries, we discourage abuse by others and assert our
separateness.
- Assertion. Voice
what you see, feel, and want by making “I” statements. By expressing our
thoughts, feelings, and desires in a direct and honest manner, we show
that we are in charge of our lives.
- Receptivity. End
self-absorption; listen to others’ words and meanings to restate them. In
this way, we act with awareness of our contribution to events as well as
empathize with the needs of others.
This article was adapted from Growing Ourselves Up: A Guide to
Recovery and Self-Esteem, with permission of the author, Stanley J. Gross, Ed.D.